“There is no greater curse than discontent.” I read this this morning in the Tao Te Ching. It applies to me now.
I’ve been scattered and have several projects going on at once. It’s not mania. It’s anxiety. I’m worried about my best friend. I can’t reveal why I’m worried, but I keep hoping things will improve. It’s not often for me to have a best friend because I’m usually quiet and reserved. It’s hard for me to trust people because I’ve been hurt in the past. A best friend is hard to find. We have so much in common it’s uncanny. I shouldn’t be posting about this, but I want to explain my absence. It’s hard to accept that I can’t control this situation. I’m distressed.
I hate to bring up personal stuff on this blog because it’s meant to inform and I usually disclose my experiences only to illustrate a point.
The whole problem is that my thoughts are disorganized and will be until I can settle down and accept that I can’t control a lot of things. I learned this when I first got clean and sober, but seem to have lost the ability to determine what I can control and accept what I can’t control. I have 20 years clean and sober and I don’t know when I strayed from the concept that I should do the next right thing in front of me and let go of trying to control the results. Another thing. I can only control how I react to and how I look at situations. In counseling this is called reframing. It’s my responsibility to control how I look at things. I sometimes have expectations that lead to disappointment and/or resentment. It’s the same thing as trying to control outcomes where I have no control. I can only do my best and let go of how things turn out. I learned this from AA. I’ve done what I can for my best friend, but I have no control over what happens. I can only hope.